Doesn't tap to attack

'Twas an odd slumber, this past night.  Or rather, the lack thereof.

I have a nice reprieve at the moment, where classes aren't demanding much and exams are a week away.  My brain decided to take advantage of this by assaulting me with all the various mind trips it could conceive.

My brain can be fairly creative.  This time, however, it just went for the straightforward sledgehammer approach.

I have this very odd superstition, which is essentially the embodiment of my pessimism and views on life rolled into one.  Whenever I envision an event that has yet to occur . . . that simple act of mentally picturing it means that it will not happen.  Furthermore, it won't happen in the most blatant way possible.

Case in point: this post.  Last night, while staring at the back of my eyelids and desperately trying to slip into unconsciousness, I started thinking about things to write about.  I planned to write this up during my break between classes today.  Well, since I didn't pass out until 7, and my alarm went off at 8, I woke up with a massive headache and decided that today would be one of my "fuck school" days.  So, I didn't write this post until now, not because I forgot my laptop, or I ran into a friend and lost track of time, but because I wasn't even on campus.  That whole scenario was nipped in the proverbial bud.

Similar examples include finally building the courage to talk to that cute girl that works at the store, but going in on her day off.  Or psyching myself up and trying to mentally plan out a presentation, only to have most of the group members not show up.  A more grandiose version would be me thinking about making video games for a living . . . but then running into the fact that I really really don't like computer programming.

Defeatist superstitions/mentalities such as this are virtually self-fulfilling.  What's . . . interesting, is that instead of making me into a fatalistic person, I end up trying my hardest to not picture things or play out hypothetical scenarios in my head.  To just let things happen as they will, and not anticipate things.

Too bad that thought process has one glaring flaw.

Don't think of a black cat.

What happened?  You most likely thought of a black cat.  Thus, the problem.  Trying hard to not do something just compounds the difficulty in not doing it.

I've been reading up way too much on hypnosis, subliminal conditioning, and suggestion.

What's fun is that a lot of the terminology used regarding the subconscious has a very mystical, charlatan connotation.  I tell people that I'm studying self-hypnosis techniques, and I get a lot of funny stares.  The basics of self-hypnosis is really just accessing your subconscious.  Your subconscious has a lot of power (albeit, very subtle power) over you, and it is also very open to suggestion.  You know all those spiels on "the power of positive thinking"?  Those are, in effect, a form of self-hypnosis.

Talismans was the specific area that my mind was wandering to last night.  A talisman is something that stores energy, usually of the emotional variety.

Oooooh.

Ever have a favorite chair?  One that you would come home to, and no matter how rough your day was, you would sit in that chair and just start to relax?  Or do you have a security blanket?  Something that you bring with you whenever you move, so that you always feel like it's home?

Those are talismans.  See?  Nothing overly mystical about them.

I went to sleep holding one of my talismans last night.  It's Max, my 20+ year old stuffed dinosaur.  I was told that he was a tyrannosaurus rex, but I think he's actually an allosaur.  He has three fingers on his not quite stubby arms.  Anyway, I found myself wondering just what kind of energy I had put into him.

You see, talismans can hold both positive and negative energies.  That favorite chair?  Maybe it doesn't relax you, but makes you lethargic and lazy.  That security blanket?  Maybe it doesn't make you feel secure, but hides you from the world.

Talismans affect me more than most.  They usually work through the subconscious, but they also trigger my conscious thoughts.  Pictures or gifts from past relationships are a prominent example of this.  However, my mind is capable of jumping from point to point to point and starting at one thought and ending at something completely different.  So, I could be holding Max, and my train of thought would lead me back to Julie.  Or, it would lead me back to summer camp.  Or, it would lead me back to my childhood, where my world consisted of me, Panda, and adventure.

Last night, it made me realize how much my self-esteem had taken a hit this past year (I believe, by way of Julie . . . memory is already starting to haze over).  What's interesting, is that I realized this by way of inference.

Last Saturday, I was at a Magic (the card game) tournament.  A prerelease, to be specific, where people get to buy and play with a new product before its official release.  The event is aptly titled.  As would be expected of a gaming tournament, there were many, many nerds/geeks/alternakids.  And, I'm talking the stereotypical kind.  Plenty of body odor (at one point, I literally gagged while walking past someone), anime shirts, band shirts, chains, long hair, androgynous guys . . . and very few females.  While killing time in between my rounds, I saw one of said few females sitting at the table next to me.  And by golly, she was actually cute.

So, after a brief internal debate, I said fuck it and went over and asked if she wanted to chat and kill some time.  She replied in the affirmative, and we got to know each other a bit.  I also found out that she defied all the stereotypes by not being there as someone's sister, girlfriend, fiance, or wife.

Woohoo!  Cute single nerd girl!

Wait for it . . .

Wait for it . . .

She lives in Pennsylvania.  She drove the five hours because of the artist that was a guest at this specific event.  Anyway, we still exchanged emails and keep in touch a bit.

The point of all this is that I felt really good about being able to go up and talk to her, as well the positive reciprocation from her.  I mean, I was really proud of myself for simply having a conversation with a girl.

I realized last night that I was so amped about it because my self-esteem had been shot down harder than I realized.

All the king's horses and all the king's men.

To tie all of this together and to bring it full circle, my mind had wandered to this girl by the end of the last night.  And, I was trying my damnedest to not picture us working through the long distance thing.  Trying my damnedest to not think about, "what could be."  It's my stupid superstition.  I can't fight it, because, in this case, not thinking about the possibilities and just enjoying what is . . . that's a good thing, right?

Shit, I probably should have mentioned the flirtatious interest that we were throwing back and forth.  That's why my mind even wandered to all this in the first place.  Kinda.  I also ran into another bout of self-realization last night that warrants a post all to itself.

And for a moment, why, I even touched the sky.

Comments

[Marisa]

I saw the reference to Magic in your post title, and had to read this. (Gosh, my boyfriend would be so proud of me right now...)

In regards to your self-fulfilling prophecies, I have but five words to say to you: You just lost the game.

:)

[Riley]

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE MORE!!

j/k

wanted to let you know that I've peed here.

[Womby]

YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE URETHRA WHEN MEN ARE WRITING!

Damn kittens . . . spraying everywhere.